


you keep it on the inside

by rolie_polie



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Bullying, Depression, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Homophobic Slurs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Recovery, Self-Acceptance, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, kagehina if you squint, later fluff, tsukki is kind of a dick at first, yama and tsukki arent friends yet, yama really just needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-19
Updated: 2015-04-03
Packaged: 2018-03-18 14:30:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3573122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rolie_polie/pseuds/rolie_polie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>because that's the safest place to hide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. tired.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure how long this is going to be honestly! I'm planning for only a few chapters, like maybe 3 or 4, but I guess I'll just have to wait and see later on.  
> As for the actual plot, I'm not intending for it to focus too much on Tsukki and Yama's relationship; it's more about Yama's recovery than anything, though their relationship is still an important factor.

Yamaguchi Tadashi had come to terms long ago with the fact that he would never be loved. It was made extremely clear to him at a young age. Someone like him, someone who looked like him and acted like him, was unworthy. Tadashi understood that. That was why, when he entered Karasuno High School, he didn't try. He had worked himself up for weeks about joining the volleyball club, but in the end, he decided against it. After all, it would be incredibly humiliating if he were to try out, only to be told he wasn't good enough. That was something he'd become used to as well. He wasn't good enough for sports, his grades were average at best despite being in advanced classes ("not good enough, Tadashi, try harder!"), he was too thin, too plain. Nothing about him was special. He hadn't even been able to keep around the only friend he'd ever had; Tsukishima Kei. It was a short-lived friendship, one built out of admiration on one end and tolerance on the other. But soon, Tsukishima faded Tadashi out of his picture—began to ignore him.

It hurt. It hurt so bad.

Yamaguchi Tadashi is tired of not being good enough.

* * *

 

The first time he tries hurting himself is when he's browsing the internet and comes across an article about self harm. Tadashi only picks out bits and pieces, sentences about how it works, what it does.

It's just a scratch across his wrist, using his nail. Tadashi decides it feels kind of good.

Later that week, he tries a pair of scissors. The blade is dull but it leaves several red lines that sting pleasantly until the following afternoon, when they begin fading.

He chooses breaking apart a pencil sharpener over doing his homework that night. _Let it wait_ , he decides, _I don't care anymore_.

The following day, Tadashi finds himself distracted by itchy wrists through all of his classes. The itch becomes a constant, migrating soon to his hips and thighs as well as his wrists. It hurts, but it can't possibly hurt more than the insults that seem to follow him like a loyal dog—just not anywhere near as pleasant.

And it can't possibly hurt as much as the day he hears Tsukishima mutter "pathetic" under his breath as he passes Tadashi, under the scrutiny of his bullies' gazes.

That night, he cries himself to sleep, arms and legs burning horribly.

Yamaguchi Tadashi is tired of being pathetic.

* * *

 

"Tadashi, I'm worried about you." The brunette looks up at his mother from the breakfast he's picking at, occasionally rubbing his sore and itchy wrist. Fear fills him. What if she's figured it out?

"Huh? Why?" He asks quietly.

"I was recently informed that your grades are dropping."

"Oh."

Disappointment. Somehow, despite the terror it causes him, Tadashi just wishes she would realize it already—realize what's happened to her son.

"Honey, I understand that high school can be difficult, but please try harder. You're smarter than this."

_No I'm not._

Tadashi nods, promising he'll try harder and he's so sorry for letting his mother down, he'll never let his grades drop again, he  _swears_.

When she leaves, satisfied, hot tears spill down freckled cheeks.

Yamaguchi Tadashi is tired of being stupid.

* * *

 

He starts falling asleep in class.

He starts skipping to cry in the bathroom.

He stops looking in the mirror.

He starts self-harming like it's the only good thing there is, when really it's the worst thing there is.

He stops caring about himself.

He stops bathing as frequently.

He stops eating. 

He stops trying to be kind.

He breaks his promise—stops doing homework entirely.

He starts to believe everything they say to him.

Yamaguchi Tadashi is tired of being tired.


	2. falling asleep.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Hey, Yamaguchi-san, do you like volleyball?"

Yamaguchi Tadashi is beginning to think that nobody cares.

His mother found his blade last night, and after much prodding, Tadashi finally pulled up his sleeves.

He had expected—no, _hoped_ —that she would be upset. Devastated even.

He needed to know she cared.

Instead, she was angry. She shook her head in disappointment.

"Tadashi, the state of your grades is your own fault. There's no need to be cutting yourself over something you could fix if you just tried."

At that, he'd swallowed words that were on the tip of his tongue.

" _that's not why I'm doing it._ "

" _I am trying. I'm trying so hard, mama."_

Instead of saying those words, he had nodded.

"I'm sorry, mom. I won't do it again." Tadashi whispered.

The following day, he breaks three pencil sharpeners and hides them all in different places.

* * *

 

His mother checks his arms everyday now.

Tadashi stops cutting his wrists, but he continues on his hips and thighs.

He scratches his legs constantly, they're so itchy. He doesn't let them heal. Tadashi re-opens cuts each time he adds new ones, and they're starting to scar.

He's not sure if he likes his scars, or hates them.

He's not sure of a lot of things anymore.

* * *

 

In school, someone pushes Tadashi, and he finds himself stumbling into another first year, sending them both crashing to the floor. When he looks at the boy, the first thing he takes note of is wild ginger hair, and that he is very short. He looks like he's in junior high, or elementary.

"I-I'm so sorry!" Tadashi exclaims, instantly removing himself from the boy.

"No problem!" He grins, allowing Tadashi to help him to his feet, "I'm good."

At this, a sigh of relief escapes Tadashi, and he nods.

"Okay." But before he can turn to leave, the first year tilts his head.

"What's your name? I think I've seen you around before."

It shocks him to hear that he's been noticed. He's usually so quiet, so withdrawn, so _invisible_. It seems impossible that this boy has seen him before.

"Helloooo?" Tadashi realizes then that he's spaced out, and he jumps.

"S-sorry!"

"It's okay," The boy laughs, "Your name?"

"Y-Yamaguchi Tadashi."

"Nice to meet you Yamaguchi-san! I'm Hinata Shouyou!"

He holds out a hand to shake, and Tadashi takes it tentatively. His sleeve rides up slightly, and he starts to panic. Right underneath the line of fabric are scars—so many scars.

He doesn't want Hinata to see. After a single firm shake, Tadashi yanks his hand away and mutters something about having to get to class before he runs off.

* * *

 

Hinata starts going out of his way to talk to Tadashi every once in a while now.

It wears him down more than it makes him happy.

But a few days after they first start talking, Hinata asks,

"Hey, Yamaguchi-san, do you like volleyball?" This takes Tadashi by surprise.

He looks at Hinata for a moment before admitting with a small nod that yes, he does.

"Really? Why haven't you joined the team then? You should, you should! It's so fun!" Hinata exclaims, waving his arms excitedly as he seems to always do.

"I... I don't think that's such a good idea." Tadashi replies.

"Aw. Please? I'm sure you're good at it!"

"I'm really not..."

"Well I wasn't either when I first started! All I was good at was jumping suuuper high! And I was fast, but y'know, lots of people are! So I wasn't that good, but then I practiced lots and I got _really_ good! Now I'm all- fwoo! And bwah!" Tadashi looks at Hinata in puzzlement.

"Those aren't words, Hinata-san..." He murmurs.

"Well, you know what I mean."

 _No I don't_.

"Anyways, would you at least come and watch practice for one day? Pleeease? You might really like it and then you could maybe join!"

Tadashi considers this for a moment.

Tsukishima is on the team. He doesn't want to have to see Tsukishima anymore, not when he knows how pathetic his classmate believes he is.

But at the same time, Hinata is so hopeful, and Tadashi is so sad, he needs a distraction from his bullies.

A getaway.

"I suppose... I could come watch."

* * *

 

At the end of the day, Hinata leads Tadashi to the gymnasium, all laughter and smiles and happiness. Tadashi's permanent frown and slumped shoulders contrast quite poorly.

The ginger bursts into the gym, exclaiming excitedly. "Coach! Take-chan! This is Yamaguchi-san! He likes volleyball but he's all _gwooh_ about joining so I said he should watch practice today and he said he would! Is that okay?" Behind the coach and Take-chan are several boys.

Tadashi feels uncomfortable. They're all just looking at him, some curiously, some passive-aggressively.

It occurs to him then that he's scared.

He's so scared to step outside of the only thing he's known for weeks. Tadashi isn't sure he can handle it, but before he can change his mind he's seated on a bench watching the team play, and it's enthralling.

 _They're incredible_ , Tadashi thinks.

He wishes he was incredible too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kind of new to honorifics/suffixes so if I screwed anything up please let me know! Also, sorry if I overplayed Hinata's personality ^^"


	3. dreaming.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You only get one body to ruin, Yamaguchi."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains bullying (homophobic slurs sort of?) and a rather graphic suicide attempt scene. I'm sorry if that disturbs anyone.

"Are you going to join the team?"

Tadashi almost freezes up, staring at Tsukishima with wide eyes.

Practice just ended, and he was trying to simply slip out quietly, but here he is instead, being interrogated by his classmate.

It takes him a moment to reply, a moment during which Tsukishima regards him with cold eyes.

"I... I don't think so."

"Why not?" Tsukishima crosses his arms, and Tadashi finds himself shrinking back.

He can't say it's because the uniform would expose his scarred wrists—probably also some of his thighs.

He can't say it's because Tsukishima is there, that he's afraid of being judged by him.

He can't say it's because he's not good enough.

Tadashi decides there's really nothing he can say—no reason he can give—so he just shrugs and steps back.

"I just can't." He croaks.

He wants to cry.

Tsukishima doesn't seem ready to let him go just yet.

"I know why." The blond says.

Tadashi finds himself stunned by that. What does Tsukishima mean? How could he possibly know why? There's no way he could have found out, right? He has to just be bluffing.

"W-what?"

"You only get one body to ruin, Yamaguchi."

"I don't understand..."

"Yes you do." Tsukishima is glaring, and Tadashi is starting to suffocate.

He wants to weep.

"I want to hear you say it. Why won't you join?"

"I _can't_." Tadashi insists.

His eyes are starting to fog up, and he's going to cry if he doesn't get away soon.

Silence falls between them. It takes a moment for Tadashi to meet Tsukishima's gaze again. Something has softened in the boy's expression.

It makes Tadashi want to drop his defenses.

He wants to tell Tsukishima.

He wants to cry.

He wants to tell him _everything_.

He wants to scream at the top of his lungs that he _hates himself_ and so does everybody else.

He wants to tell him what a disappointment his mother believes he is.

Tell him he never wanted anything more than to be Tsukishima's friend.

Tadashi wants to fall apart at the sight of something that somehow says "it's okay" even though Tsukishima's eyes are so cold. Something in his expression just says "it's okay". And Tadashi wants to believe that.

Instead he shakes his head and bites his lip. He runs away before Tsukishima can say anything more.

* * *

 

He runs into his bullies on the way home. Tadashi remembers when they used to simply say that his face looked pimply.

It always hurt, but now he wishes that it was all they ever had to say.

Stinging words are ringing in his ears as he drags himself the rest of the way home.

He isn't bothering to hold back his tears this time. They called him awful things. Typical, but so awful.

_Faggot._

_Ugly._

_Pimply._

_Gross._

_Worthless._

_**Pathetic**._

But what's making Tadashi cry isn't that.

He's so used to it that he isn't sure he could be bothered to cry over it anymore.

They told him he deserves to die.

Nobody would miss him after all.

He's a waste of space.

Tadashi agrees entirely.

* * *

 

He's still thinking about it the following day, and Tadashi skips class again to cry.

He sits in a bathroom stall through all of class, head on his knees as he cries. _I'm worthless_.

Tadashi finds himself terrified. He's terrified because he _believes it_.

He believes that no one could ever love him.

He believes that Tsukishima thinks he's pathetic.

He believes that Hinata only spends time with him out of pity.

He believes all of the insults his classmates send him, and he believes that he deserves to die.

Tadashi clutches his chest as he cries, shaking like a leaf while tears drop from his nose and he repeats in his head like a mantra.

 _I hate myself_.

* * *

 

"Yamaguchi."

It's Tsukishima.

Tadashi only just stepped out of the washroom, his head low and his eyes burning.

"You missed an entire class." Tsukishima continues when no reply is given.

"Oh." Tadashi turns to walk away, but a hand grabs him by the wrist. He stops.

"Join the volleyball team, Yamaguchi." He pulls his arm away from Tsukishima, refuses to turn and look at him but replies anyways.

"How did you know?" It's soft and vulnerable, turns the subject away from what Tsukishima said completely, but Tadashi doesn't care anymore.

"...It's not hard to tell. You skip class and come back looking like you've been crying, there's always blood on your sleeves or your pants and you're always scratching your skin." Tsukishima sighs. He's obviously irritated. Tadashi doesn't understand why he's wasting his time.

"Oh."

"Just try out."

"No."

Tadashi walks away.

* * *

 

He's crying. It's late, and Tadashi is crying again. He's utterly falling apart, pulling at his hair and letting out broken sobs.

He realizes something terrifying as he cries.

He wants Tsukishima to be here with him.

He wants to see that look again, the one that says "it's okay, I know." But that's impossible. Tadashi can't contact Tsukishima—can't tell him he's breaking to pieces, smaller and smaller every day.

The next thing Tadashi realizes as he cries is even more terrifying.

He's reached his breaking point.

He can't hold on any longer, he just can't. Tadashi climbs out of bed, grabs his blade from the desk drawer and makes his way to the bathroom.

He looks in the mirror for the first time in a while. His eyes are bloodshot and his cheeks are stained with tears. Chapped lips are trembling, pulled down in a sad frown. Tadashi looks so empty, and he watches more tears roll down his cheeks as he stares at himself.

That's when he finally reaches for the cupboard. Tadashi doesn't care that he's trembling, because it's going to stop forever soon.

He grabs a bottle of painkillers, fills a cup with water, and settles himself down on the floor. He doesn't know what he's doing. He just knows he wants the pain _gone_.

Tadashi pulls up his sleeves, and he batters the damaged skin with his blade until blood is rolling, dripping onto the tile floor here and there. His breaths are coming raggedly.

It hurts, but not more than his self hatred does. Tadashi opens the bottle. He starts to take pill after pill, forcing them down with water, and when he's swallowed eight, maybe nine, he doesn't know, Tadashi finally stops.

* * *

 

His mother finds him twenty minutes later, woken by the sound of crying—loud crying, the broken-hearted, gut-wrenching kind.

She finds him lying on the bathroom floor, hands pressed to his mouth in an attempt to keep his vomit down.

He's crying so hard and she's never seen him like this, it's terrifying. "Tadashi- oh my god, _Tadashi_."

She calls an ambulance.

Tadashi's mother kneels on the floor and pulls him into her arms, rocking him back and forth as she yells that he's dying, he needs help, _please help me I can't lose my baby_.

They tell her to calm down, they're sending an ambulance, they're doing everything they can.

She's hysterical, holding Tadashi close and begging him to stay awake.

" _Mama_." He sobs, reaching for her blindly, trying to hug her tighter.

"I'm here, sweetie, I'm here, you're going to be okay." She reassures him, rubbing his side as she tries to just keep him talking, keep him awake.

Tadashi starts to vomit. He can't keep it down any longer. His mother pulls him to the toilet and helps him lean over it, urges him to keep puking, get rid of that damn poison that dares to try and kill him.

He reaches for her again and she takes his hand.

"Mama." He repeats himself, his voice broken with heaves and tears.

Eventually, his stomach is empty. He can't puke anymore, but he's still losing blood, and she's trying to stop it but there's just so much.

Soon, though, the ambulance arrives. She hears the sirens before it even pulls up, and pulls her child into her arms, carries him downstairs and speaks to him.

"Just stay awake, honey, okay? Please stay awake."

She puts him down, helps him pull on his sweater, and then the ambulance is there and he's being carried out on a stretcher, crying for his mother.

He just wants his mom.

She sits beside him in the ambulance, tears streaking her face. Tadashi turns his head weakly, looks at her with wet eyes as he starts to drift from consciousness.

" **Mama**."

"I'm here, baby. I'm here."


	4. waking up.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Probably doesn't look like it but my head's a disaster."  
> "Yeah. Well it ought to be, for you to do something like that."

 

When he finally wakes up, Tadashi's head aches, his limbs ache and his arms are on fire.

_Oh... I didn't die._

His head is swimming, and tears are already falling down his face.

_No. No, I was supposed to die._

But then his mother is at his bedside, and she's looking down at his tired, pained face that's being slowly assaulted by tears.

"Tadashi? Oh, honey, no, please don't cry..." She wipes his cheek gently, her expression so heartbroken it only spurs on his tears.

"I- I was supposed to die," Tadashi hiccups and shakes his head, "I d-don't- wanna be alive, n-no, I- I want to die!"

"Sweetie, oh sweetie, I'm so sorry..." His mother looks ready to cry too, but she refuses to let her tears slip—for his sake.

"T-There's so _much_ , mom," He whines, tries to cover his face, "Ev-Everything hurts, I... I'm so tired an' nobody- nobody _cares_ , or even k- _knows_."

"I know, I know, I'm so sorry. I should have known, Tadashi, I should have _known_."

It takes so long for her to be able to calm Tadashi down, sitting beside him and wiping his tears, saying everything she possibly can to bring him to relax.

When he's finally no longer ravaged by sobs and hiccups, Tadashi's mother asks him.

_Why, Tadashi? What happened to you that made you want to do this?_

And he can't hold everything inside any longer.

He tells her _everything_.

All the words, insults, pushes and shoves. The constant abuse and the lack of friends and his continuously deteriorating will to go on.

When Tadashi finally finishes stammering and stuttering the whole story, his mother downright weeps.

He cries with her.

* * *

 

Tadashi didn't expect anyone to visit him in the hospital besides his mother, so he's surprised when Hinata enters the room one day and hands him a bouquet of tulips.

"Hey, Yamaguchi-san." His voice is soft and quiet, and Tadashi's never seen him look sad before, but today he does for the first time.

Tadashi greets Hinata, mumbling a "thank you" as he takes the flowers and sets them gently on his bedside table.

They're very beautiful flowers.

"How did you find out I was here?" He asks, nervous.

"Your mother came by the school yesterday," Hinata explains, "She came to talk to the principal and I saw her. You weren't at school so I was kind of curious, cause I heard them say your name a lot, so I went in to ask if everything was okay and she told me what happened."

"Oh."

There's a long moment of silence during which Hinata stares down at his feet, looking lost for words. When he looks up, his eyes are watering.

"Are... Are you okay?" He backtracks quickly, "I mean- I know you're technically not but I just mean... Physically. Are you physically okay?"

"Compared to everything else, yeah. Yeah I'm okay. But I'm kind of sick and woozy." Tadashi leans back, his eyes closing as he waits for Hinata to continue.

"Do your arms hurt?"

"Yes."

The smaller boy seems unsure of what to say then, and a silence settles over the two. Tadashi's eyes open when another hand grabs his own, and he looks up at Hinata.

"Yamaguchi-san, I would miss you."

"W-what?"

"I would miss you." He repeats.

Tadashi wonders why he feels his eyes watering. "I don't know how you feel," Hinata says softly, "But I know someone who was like you once, and I know he was terrified that nobody would miss him. Yamaguchi-san, I haven't known you long, and you don't talk or smile or laugh much, but I would miss you."

Those words trigger something in him, and Tadashi starts crying.

He grips Hinata's hand tightly.

Like that, there's an anchor.

Something other than cutting his skin, other than crying all alone at night and in the bathroom at school.

There's the echo of " _I_ would miss you." And it's so small but it means _so_  much.

He's miserable, falling to little pieces, ready to die, but hearing those words gives Tadashi peace, if only for a moment.

* * *

 

After Hinata leaves, Tadashi really doesn't think he'll be having any other visitors aside from his mother while he recovers.

But on his third day in the hospital, there's a gentle knock on the door, and after Tadashi calls "come in", it opens and a boy enters.

He looks up from the book he's reading, and frowns for a moment. At first, he doesn't recognize the boy—he has black hair and dark blue eyes, and he seems to wear a permanent frown. After wracking his brain, Tadashi realizes it.

_Ah, he's on the volleyball team. Setter, he's the setter._

"Hey." The boy says, "Uh, I'm Kageyama."

"Y-Yamaguchi."

"I know. Shouyou asked me to talk to you." Kageyama says, taking a seat by Tadashi's bed. He doesn't seem too pleased to be there, but he doesn't necessarily seem miserable about it either.

"I see." Tadashi frowns a bit, confused as to what he means.

"So, you're here because you... Tried to kill yourself, yeah?"

It takes a moment for Tadashi to nod.

Kageyama hesitates for a moment, before he speaks awkwardly, "Uh- yeah. Yeah, I uh, I get that. I tried, too, a few times. Ended up in the hospital a lot."

 _Oh_ , Tadashi realizes, _This is the guy Hinata was talking about before._

"Well... I'm no good at, you know, pep talking. Or anything, but," He pulls up his left sleeve enough to tap a thick scar on his wrist. Tadashi's eyes widen at the sight, "I can promise that this is... Never going to be a solution. It- it never did more than subdue mental pain with physical, and then later the two would mix and it was just- bad. But I guess you, uh... Probably know that."

Tadashi nods, staring at his lap as his head hangs in shame.

"Oi, don't make that face. I did it too, don't act like we should be all ashamed and hide it," Kageyama scowls, and Tadashi cringes, mutters a soft apology, "Look, like I said, I'm bad at pep talking. So the reason I'm here is because when you get out of the hospital, whether you suck at it or not, you should join the volleyball team. It helped me. Everyone is actually... Pretty great about things like this. Supportive. And I'm not the only one who will understand how much everything can suck. So just... Try. For your own sake. It might really help you."

With a small nod of farewell, not waiting for a reply, Kageyama leaves.

* * *

 

When Tsukishima visits, Tadashi doesn't know what to do. The blond sits down next to his bed, and simply stares at him for a few minutes, as if he's mulling something over in his head.

"Hi...?" Tadashi breaks the silence after a while, his voice weak.

"Hey."

Another few minutes of silence.

"So you... You really did it, huh."

Tadashi cringes, turns his bandaged wrists to face down, and nods. He would feel humiliated if he weren't so tired.

"When are you getting out of the hospital?" Tsukishima asks, adjusting his glasses.

"I don't know," The brunette pulls his knees to his chest, rests his chin on them, "A couple of days, maybe longer. Whenever they think I'm stable, I guess."

"And you're not stable right now?"

Tadashi shakes his head. He finally meets Tsukishima's eyes, and he sighs sadly.

"Probably doesn't look like it but my head's a disaster."

"Yeah. Well it ought to be, for you to do something like that."

He doesn't reply this time. Tadashi closes his eyes, and revels in a minute of silence beside his old friend—a silence that feels calm for once.

The silence ends when Tadashi looks up at Tsukishima and asks him quietly: "Are you angry that I did it?"

"No." Tsukishima shakes his head.

"Do you think I'm pathetic?" He speaks before he can even think to stop himself, and Tadashi ducks his head, tries to hide his face from Tsukishima. Disbelief overrides his nerves, but he finds himself shaking anyways.

The silence that passes after that is probably only a second long, but it feels much longer. Until, the bed is dipping in front of where Tadashi's feet are curled under the sheets, and a cool hand lifts his head gently. He finds himself forced to look Tsukishima in the eyes.

"No."

Tadashi nods slowly.

His nodding becomes frantic and non-stop, until tears of relief are pouring down his cheeks because _thank god he doesn't think I'm pathetic_. He wraps his arms around his legs then, buries his face in his knees and lets out a breathy hiccup.

Tsukishima doesn't say anything—his hand just rests on Tadashi's head, if a bit awkwardly, he never really liked touching anyone, and it stays there as the teenager cries out months, years of misery and continues to repeat to himself _Tsukki doesn't think I'm pathetic_.

At some point, Tsukishima slides off the headphones that are always wrapped around his neck and gently slides them over the brunette's ears. He plays soft, calming music, keeps his hand in Tadashi's hair, grounding him.

Tsukishima thinks thoughts he would never say out loud as he watches his old friend cry.

 _Oh my god, you poor thing, I'm so sorry, god, I'm sorry. I'm here, I'm right here_.

It feels like an eternity before Tadashi can calm down, but when he does, it's that same look in Tsukishima's eyes that causes it.

Tadashi looks up, and the cold expression of the boy in front of him still carries that sense of a promise that everything will be okay. And slowly, it helps Tadashi dry his tears along with the gentle music.

He gives the blond his headphones back when the tears are all gone.

He asks. "Why did you start talking to me again?"

"Because I never really had a reason to stop."

* * *

 

It takes them a while of talking, of sorting out past misunderstandings to fix their relationship, but they do it.

Tadashi admits that he always looked up to Tsukishima, even after they stopped talking, and always, always admired him.

Tsukishima tells him that, no, there never was a reason for why he stopped talking to the smaller boy, it just happened. At the time maybe it was out of contempt, but there was never any reason to hate Tadashi.

There was simply no way to explain why everything happened the way it did.

But they supposed now was time to start fixing it.

With their conversation out of the way, they sit in silence, Tadashi staring at his hands and Tsukishima staring at Tadashi.

"Yamaguchi."

"H-huh?" Tadashi looks up, just a little.

"I'm... Glad you're alive."

Tadashi's eyes widen, and he looks at his old—new?—friend for several moments in silence. He feels like he might cry again, but he doesn't.

Tadashi thinks that maybe, for once, he's glad that he's alive too.

* * *

 

Tsukishima visits again, and then again, and on the fourth visit he's sitting by Tadashi's bed, leaning on it and looking at the quiet boy.

"They got suspended today." He says, and Tadashi looks confused for a moment.

"Who?"

"Your bullies."

"Oh."

Tadashi used to think that hearing his bullies had been brought to justice would feel incredible, like the largest victory, but it doesn't.

"They won't be gone forever," Tsukishima tells him, "And I doubt they'll be deterred by being suspended for a week or two."

"And...?" Tadashi frowns, not understanding the point Tsukishima's trying to make.

"So, you're going to have to face them again when you come back to school."

"I could just move..."

"But you won't," Tsukishima crosses his arms, leans back in his chair, "Because that would make you feel pathetic and alone."

Tadashi swallows hard and it takes him a moment to finally nod his agreement. He wouldn't move away, he knows he wouldn't.

"What do I do, Tsukki?" He whispers after a moment.

Tsukishima regards him quietly, then sighs. "You have to tell them to fuck off."

"I don't know how to..."

"Just like that," His friend shakes his head and sighs again in exasperation, "You just say 'fuck off.'"

Tadashi frowns, but eventually he nods.

He supposes that really is all he can do. There's no real way to plan how he's going to stand up to the very people who broke him to pieces.

He isn't even sure he wants to face them—but Tadashi doesn't want to break his mother's heart again.

He doesn't want to suffer that pain anymore.

"Okay, Tsukki."

* * *

 

Tsukishima hugs him the day he's released.

There's no context given, no explanation. Just a gentle, split second while they're alone, when Tsukishima pulls Tadashi loosely into his arms, and mumbles that he's glad he's getting out—glad he's alive.

Tadashi's driven home in the back of his mother's car, his head leaning on the window and his heart feeling lighter than it has in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahuehue, oops if Tsukishima is too fluffy and ooc af, sorry not sorryyy.   
> Also this is turning out a lot longer than I originally intended, but YES, it is almost over.


	5. awake.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You're so fucking wrong."

He's not sure he can do this.

Yamaguchi Tadashi isn't sure he can return to school.

It's been a week since he was released from the hospital, and he's kept in contact with Hinata and Tsukishima. They both tell him the same thing.

_"You have to face them."_

Tadashi doesn't know if he can. But before he has any chance to turn back, he's approaching the school, hands clenching the strap of his bag tightly. The strange thing is, when he enters the building, nothing feels different.

Nobody stares at him, asks him where he's been, nobody runs away. It's just a regular day to them, because they don't know. Tadashi is relieved by this, and he breathes in deeply.

_I'm okay. This is okay._

He walks down the halls quietly, his head down, and when he arrives at class he's greeted by some sneers and some nervous glances. Tadashi looks around, quickly growing distressed as everyone _now_ seems to stare at him.

"Oi."

He turns around, panicking as he realizes he hasn't moved any further into the classroom. Tadashi relaxes to see that it's just Tsukishima.

"Hi Tsukki."

"Hey."

The blond grabs Tadashi's sleeve, though he's pointedly careful of where cuts reside underneath, still not entirely healed. He leads the brunette to where he sits, kicks the student that sits beside him out of his seat (not without Tadashi squeaking an apology at his disgruntled expression), and points to the chair. Tadashi sits down at his request, and Tsukishima joins.

"Welcome back."

* * *

 

When Tadashi starts scratching his wrist in class, it's so itchy and he's growing irritated, Tsukishima grabs his hand away and holds it tight.

"If you scratch, it'll heal slower."

"Sorry, Tsukki."

It takes a moment before Tsukishima lets go of his hand again.

* * *

 

There are several instances throughout the day where Tsukishima grabs Tadashi's hand and forces him to stop scratching his arms. It's a comfort that he's never had before.

At lunch, Tadashi sheds a few tears over it quietly. Tsukishima sighs and plays music for him until the tears are gone.

* * *

 

He's approached by his bullies at the end of the day, as he's walking home.

"Hey, ugly. It's been a while. We missed you so much!"

Tadashi swallows hard, unnerved by the sarcastic tone, and he takes a step back nervously.

_Face them._

"Where were you? A mental asylum?"

_**Face them.** _

"Knowing him, probably."

_**FACE THEM.** _

"Knowing me?" His voice is shaking. Tadashi is shaking but he's talking and he's finally, _finally_ standing up for himself, "What do you mean "knowing me"? You don't... Know me. None of you do. You don't know anything about me."

"What? Of course we do, ugly. You're a worthless, pimply, ugly faggot. That's what we know about you."

"No," Tadashi shakes his head, "That's... That's the image you created of me. It's not what you know, it's just... What you think."

Someone starts talking again, but now words are spilling out automatically as he stares at the ground.

"And- And, wow, I... I was actually starting to _believe_ all those things. I let you all convince me I was worth nothing but," His eyebrows pull together in a look that almost resembles confusion, "That can't be right. You can't... Determine someone's worth on your own opinion of them. I'm not really _special_ but... You're wrong."

Tadashi looks back up. His eyes are watering and his bottom lip is quivering. His hands are shaking. But he's facing them. He's on the verge of crying, but Tadashi is saying what he's wanted to say forever and it feels so good.

"You're so fucking _wrong_ ," He laughs, "I'm _not_ worthless. I've been completely ruined but I'm not... Not worthless. I'm not ugly. If I were those things... Why would anyone have bothered to come visit me while I was out of school? Why would anyone cry over me, or say that... That they'd miss me if I was gone? Why would anyone want to be my friend? You're just... Wrong. So... Fuck off." He smiles, " _Fuck. Off._ "

They look shocked. Tadashi is smiling despite the tears sliding down his cheeks. He's angry and sad and happy, so _happy_. They're too surprised to stop him when he turns to leave, but he turns back one last time.

"And I'm not a _faggot_. I'm _gay_."

* * *

 

Tadashi's mother panics when he gets home from school with puffy red eyes and tear stained cheeks.

But before she can say anything to him, he smiles. He smiles so much brighter than he has in so long, and then he _laughs_ , and he hugs her.

Tadashi laughs and cries in his mom's arms, and though she's worried at first, he assures her that he's okay. He's going to be okay, and he believes it this time.

Yamaguchi Tadashi finally wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh so close to being done. Just a short epilogue and then this story's gonna be done!  
> Thank you so much to everyone who left kudos and commented on this, I really didn't expect such positive feedback. xx


	6. epilogue.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm proud of me too."

In his third year, Yamaguchi Tadashi smiles more than he ever has before.

He's surrounded by people who love him, and the volleyball team is as good as ever.

He's improved at volleyball immensely since he joined the team almost halfway through his first year. It took him a while to finally join, always choosing to avoid it because of his wrists. Kageyama, Hinata and Tsukishima all collectively dragged him to the gym and forced Tadashi to try out when they decided he'd waited long enough.

And nobody judged him.

The most reaction Tadashi received from his thick and gnarly scars was a sympathetic smile or two from the third-years Sugawara and Asahi.

But he's decided joining the volleyball team was one of his best decisions. Everybody was supportive, just as Kageyama told him, and Tadashi developed an immense love for his teammates as the year went on and they helped him fight through his depression.

He learned to wear his scars on display without shaking and trying to hide them. Tadashi doesn't see them as something to be proud of, or as some sort of a prize, a symbol of what he got through.

But he learned to love them, because they'd become a part of him that he could never get rid of. And he learned that he wasn't the only one capable of loving them, despite their bitterness and ugliness and the awful stories behind them.

There were relapses.

There were violent breakdowns and many more near suicide attempts.

But Tadashi was always quickly reminded of the love his friends had for him, of his worth, and that helped him fight through it.

His mother, his teammates, Tsukishima.

Tsukishima used to be the worst thing that had ever happened to Tadashi—the most disappointing thing.

In the span of a year, he became the best thing.

In the span of a year, Yamaguchi Tadashi fell in love with Tsukishima Kei.

* * *

 

Tadashi sighs, stretching and letting out a soft hum as he feels his back crack.

Practice has just ended, and he's about to lock up after cleaning. Him and Tsukishima leave last. They walk quietly in the dark, holding hands and giving the occasional squeeze to acknowledge the other's presence.

Tadashi enjoys quiet nights like this. They let him think, and bask in the simple affection they share.

They go to Tsukishima's house, and quietly start to make dinner together.

"So..." Tadashi starts, "I think practice went well today!"

"I guess. If Kageyama and Hinata would stop bickering like a married couple it would be more enjoyable." Tsukishima replies.

"Hmm.. I guess you're right. But I think they're cute together."

"I think _we're_ cute together. They're like oil to water or something." His boyfriend huffs, and Tadashi smiles, leaning over to give him a kiss on the cheek. He replies to it with a grumble.

"I think we're cute together too, Tsukki."

* * *

 

Later, as they take a break from doing homework to lay together on Tsukishima's bedroom floor in silence, they hold hands and occasionally spend a few minutes talking about nothing.

When they've been laying down for half an hour, Tsukishima gives Tadashi's hand a squeeze and turns to look at him.

"How have you been lately?" He asks softly, and they both know exactly what he means.

"I'm okay, Tsukki. I still get sad sometimes but I'm okay now." Tadashi smiles reassuringly.

Tsukishima lets out a "hm", and remains quiet for a few moments. He traces the lines on Tadashi's wrist—it used to bother him when the blond did it, but not anymore—and presses a kiss to one that rests closest to his hand. He laces their fingers together and finally meets Tadashi's eyes.

"That's good... That's really good. I'm proud of you."

Tadashi's heart swells.

"I'm proud of me too," He whispers, pressing a kiss to Tsukishima's cheek, "I love you, Tsukki."

"Yeah. I love you a lot, Tadashi."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAND IT IS DONE!  
> So yeah, the epilogue was kinda just there for the sake of fulfilling my inner fangirl and writing tsukkiyama fluff. But I think despite that, this wraps it up pretty well and covers all the bases sooo.. Yeah! Thank you so much again for all the wonderful comments and for leaving kudos! It means the world. xx


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